That's When I realized
by Captara
Summary: I hate you Axel!" That was a lie, I never noticed how dark my life has been without you. Now that you are someplace I can't reach you, I have a better plan to go where you are. And as the darkness covered him, he just smiled. Char.-Death AkuRoku AU


**Hay I just noticed when I looked at my stories that I had no one shots what so ever. So then I was like hay I have a bunch of them in my binder, I imagine as well type them all up right? So here it is a little one shot that I might make a story out of later on.**

**Hope you enjoy it….**

**Disclaimer:**** I Do Not Own Kingdom Hearts or their Characters.**

**That's when I realized…**

I realized you were my best friend when you comforted me, when my gold fish Larxene died. Hell, you were the one who killed it. Still you made a promise to get me a new one. You spent a whole month doing odd jobs a 5-year old kid could do. Just so you could knock on my door at 8 at night just to give me a new one. I named her Namine. "This time we won't try to set her free in the pool!" You said, even if I could see your cuts and bruises from all of the hard work. Still you smiled at me.

I realized you were my partner when you stared to defend me against Seifer on the way home. You would tell me to go hide while you punch in some faces. I was kind of scared; I was only 7 at the time. He and his other bullies wanted to smash my face in just because I beat them at dodge ball. You would laugh at them for their silly excuses. "Don't worry Roxas I'll end this quick so the ice cream shop won't close before we get there. I was so happy when you fought with such ease, even if you were against three other guys. Afterward I remember you coming back to my hiding place a little hurt but you still smiled. I never did let go of your hand that day.

I realized you were a loner like me when you would sit alone on the sunset hill. I always remembered you never really wanting to play with the kids your age, only me. Or you would ignore your classroom parties just to visit me in my own class. We would get our food, our own music and games, and go out of my class to the hill. We would sit on the up hill part and play pokemon as weird as that seems now. Then again you loved Moltress and some how always beat up my Zaptoes. I was 10- years old then, "Ha, Rox I beat you again? Here let me level you up higher then me to give you a try…" You never stopped trying to make my pokemon beat yours. Still, I was happy because we were alone and no one ever bothered us up there. Even if you couldn't level up that damn thing, still you smiled.

I realized you were a giant idiot when you tried to get my lucky star charm necklace from Mr. Vexen's yard. It's wasn't worth a lot, just about $20 from my allowance. You knew he had a guard dog named Leaxous, and you knew just how hot your mom's chili peppers were. Still you gave it some! That evil dog never stopped chasing us down. I was only 13 then and I couldn't run as fast as you could. I also noticed that you were taller than me too. "Stupid dog go back to Oblivion or something!!" You would shout out after being safe on your porch. That's also when I say you starting to cough up blood. I started to freak out and trying to tell your mom. You would make me promise not to tell, and just smile afterwards.

I realized you were sick when you said you had to visit another country for treatment. I remember because I was 16, and old enough to try and come with you. I couldn't because I had school and my mom said that everything would be fine. Our mothers would hug and say their good wishes. I wanted to come with you soo bad, because I was afraid you wouldn't come back to me. I didn't want to let you go, and I didn't care if our mothers were looking at me weirdly. I started to cry when my mom tried to pull me off of you. "Don't worry –cough- I'll come back and then we can go to the same collage." I nodded while you walked away, I could see your tears falling already. But you still smiled at me. I never stopped waving even when I couldn't see your plane anymore from the car. I knew then that I wouldn't ever talk to anyone until you came back to me.

I realized I was sarcastic and mute when I finally graduated from high school. I 18 and they kept saying I had a mental issue. I had already started looking for a collage. I choose the top collage, the University of Twilight only because it held a field in technical mechanics. It was the same field you and me were most interested in the most. I remember you coming up behind me with your own application too. I was too happy to see you and maybe a little embarrassed to say anything or hug you. I got the courage to talk again without turning to face you and in a raspy voice I said, "What took you soo damn long you jerk…?" You would look hurt in those toxic green eyes I misses so much, but shrugged and hugged me tightly from the back. You would whisper in my ear, "I'm home now so stop acting like your all cool and what not." I blushed slightly before turning around pushing you away and walking out of the office yelling at you with my new found voice. Still you smiled at me.

I realized I wanted you badly when I came back to the dorm we shared drunk off my ass. I would bang on the door, almost about 3 in the morning trying to open an already unlocked place, to finally see you with no shirt on wondering what the hell happened to me. Being 18 and dunk didn't register in your mind yet, while you placed me on the couch. You were already 21 and legal still you didn't like drinking and smoking. I remember you cursing Sora and Riku for leaving me on you like this. They knew I wasn't the legal age limit, and wanted to get you back for cutting Riku's hair back at that smash party the other night. You ran your hand through natural red flaming hair while I watched in pure needing awe. I wanted you too badly to wait for you to notice me. "Roxas don't get up, hay what are y-" I remember wobbly walking up to you, standing on my toes, and wrapping my arms around your neck the best way I could kissing you. I felt you were tense not kissing me back, before sighing in the kiss. Your hands moved to my hips and paused there and no where else. I broke apart thinking I messed up with you before you held me up kissing me back again. You sadly smiled at me before saying the thing that hurt me the most, "Roxas…your just drunk, come on let's get you to bed..."

I realized I hated you when you wouldn't stop making those damn jokes on how you were going to die. I remember throwing a wrench at you when you said you wanted to die with me and maybe two other girls in your arms. I was so angry with you and maybe a little jealous of the mentioning of the two girls with you. To think, I was livid with you when you said I was in your will, the first person to get all you had worked for. I was 19 and you 22 , we both got a job at a big time building called Cid's TECH. We were paid well. I guess because we were still in collage, you just stayed longer for me. And you always wanted to take me out for lunch. "Where do you want to go eat at this time Rox? I want to spend as much time with you as possible before my last days." That was it, I couldn't take it anymore. I told you I hated you and I didn't want to see your face. Still as I walked away from you, you just smiled slightly at me.

I realized I missed you when they placed you in the cold ground six feet under on that rainy day. I saw so many people that never cared about you like I did. Well, maybe our collage friends, Riku, Sora came from Paris and even Zexion and Demyx came from all across from Europe. Oh and also our co-workers Sephiroth, Cloud, Saix and Marluxia, and even our boss Cid. Your sister Kairi and her best friend Selphie were crying right along with Sora and Demyx. I didn't though; it wasn't because I didn't care. I just still couldn't believe you were gone from me. I stayed even after everyone else had to leave; I just couldn't leave you not after all we have been through. I didn't talk for the rest of that day.

I went home that day and seen that you weren't in my bed playing with my games. I should have known why you put all that money and a house in my name. I tear up when I noticed the certified will on my office desk. I reached over and opened it, seeing the figures that were granted to me. I decided I missed you too much already. I walked towards my bed and reached for under my pillow were I kept a bottle of pills there. I researched what medicines would be more harmful and bought some. Thanks to the black market. I was 21 and still had my depression on full gear. The thing that caught my eye was that the bottle had the same date you died. It was August 13, too young to die in my opinion. I didn't want to live without you any longer. So I thought about how exactly was I going to do this, I wanted to go out almost like you. If medicine didn't help you well it was surely going to help me off myself. I didn't bother making a suicide note because no one would come and check on me after what happened today. But I did decide to leave the earning we had to our mentions friends and family. After all, your sister needs it if she wanted to become a model.

I popped the top open and poured about twenty of them in my hand before going to get a soda. After coming back and taking them all with no effort I laid on my bed, the side with your sent on it. It wasn't like you slept with me but, you did like lying down and playing with the games. I smiled before realizing that from all this time I have been in love with you. You were just that important to me that I'm doing this and thinking weird now. I didn't' believe in heaven or some higher place, but to think of you welcoming me to a bright place was comforting. I didn't want to leave my dreamy world that was starting to fuzz with black. You looked so worried and I wanted to go to you. The pounding in my ears and head started and it was almost like I was drowning. Why did you leave me damn-it, why didn't you stay with me? Why did you have to leave me all alone with no protection, where's the stupid comments the bright smiles. I can't keep going on like this Axel, do you hear me? I wipe my face of hot tears and hold your pillow, that's right this was your pillow. No one has ever been in your spot, how do I get you to lie here with me. I'm driving myself insane thinking about this. Is this normal?

Axel I'm scared more than ever, I can't breath that good. I don't know is it because I'm holding the pillow too tight or the damn pills? Axel did you love me that way I loved you? Where do I go from here, am I still in your heart? Was I ever there in the first place, I must have been. I think I'm bleeding from my mouth because this coppery taste is present. I smile anyway because I swear you are rubbing my head and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I guess death isn't that bad if I get to share it with you. There you go smiling at me.

And for the first time I would be smiling back at you.

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**Well that's that and I hope you review it and tell me what you think. I had this in my binder for a moment when I was cleaning out my room and spotted all these one shots. Hopefully I will have the time to type and upload the rest of them that's here. **

**Thank you for reading and hopefully reviewing!**

**.:Yuki-san:.**


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